Crises, Wars, and Conflicts: How We Explain Difficult Situations to Our Children

Crises, wars, and conflicts:

How We Explain Difficult Situations to Our Children

Corona pandemic, climate crisis, war in Ukraine — lately, we've had to deal with many difficult situations. But how do we explain such events to our children? We have a few suggestions for you.

Crises, Wars, and Conflicts

Unfortunately, crises and conflicts are omnipresent in our world, and due to globalization, we now experience firsthand what is happening all over the world every day around the clock. This makes many conflicts feel much closer and more personal than, for example, 30 years ago. Unfortunately, in the last two years, conflict situations have increased significantly and have greatly influenced and changed the everyday lives of many people: The Corona crisis is not over yet, and we are already confronted with the war situation in Ukraine, not to mention the ever-present climate crisis. All of this can be overwhelming even for us adults, but how do we deal with these issues when we have children? How do we explain to them that the world is not always okay?

First of all, children pick up on much more than we adults think. They, too, are confronted with conflicts through social media and the outside world; they see images and videos or overhear conversations. Additionally, children instinctively perceive how their parents feel when they are worried or tense, even if they don't talk about it. And precisely because children—even very young ones—notice so much, such crisis situations must not simply be ignored.

The correct approach to difficult topics.

Children want to be protected by their parents and need to feel that they are taking care of problems and conflicts so that their world is "whole" again. Of course, you are not Superman and you can't simply conjure up peace or make the virus disappear, nor do you have to. Instinctively, you understandably want to keep your child away from every evil in the world, but children also need to be able to understand why something is the way it is. The first and most important step in this direction is: Talking.

Children express their feelings in very different ways depending on their age. Younger children are not yet able to put their feelings into words very well and tend to express themselves physically, while older children may already ask specific questions about certain situations. Regardless of how your child expresses their feelings, it is crucial to take these expressions and questions seriously and not downplay or ignore them. How we talk with children about difficult topics depends not only on their age but also on their emotional and mental development. However, you don't need to devise a possible conversation scenario for every situation or write lengthy explanations. The magic word is "respond": If questions are asked, they should be answered, but you should never force information on your child unprompted. Especially with children under ten, for example, one should only talk about the topic of war if they ask about it on their own, and they should be kept away from unfiltered news. Take enough time if you notice that there is a need to talk. If you don't have time at the moment, it's better to schedule another time for the conversation, but it should definitely be revisited to ensure your child doesn't feel neglected or dismissed.

Parents are allowed to be honest

When talking to your child about the climate crisis or war, you should not try to "downplay" the topic or make light of it by saying things like, "You don't need to be afraid," or "Everything is fine," as this equates to forbidding feelings and leaves no room for communication. Be honest and do not hesitate to explain and express your own feelings. However, try to remain largely factual and not react too emotionally, as children can quickly feel that they are responsible for making you feel better. You can say, for example, "I understand that you're scared; I sometimes feel that way too." This helps children learn that emotions are allowed and that they can accurately assess the situation. Avoid making assumptions about things you don't know if possible, and feel free to admit when you are unsure about how to answer a question. Parents are not experts and do not have to know everything. You can say, for instance, "I don't know that at the moment, but I can answer you later," and in the meantime look up the necessary information.

The right choice of words and child-friendly content

The context text: ``` You now know that discussing difficult topics is absolutely fine and necessary, but how exactly do you do it? What choice of words is appropriate, and how detailed should a topic be explained? The answer is simple: Let your child guide you. If there is a need, they will ask questions on their own, which will help you gauge how strong the interest in the topic is and at what level the conversation is occurring. If terminologies are unclear, try to paraphrase them and explain with your own words. You can, of course, also use aids. For example, if your child wants to know where Russia is or who this Putin everyone is talking about is, you can show a picture or read something appropriate. The important thing is not to give too lengthy lectures so as not to overwhelm your child.

The keyword for the way of communication and especially for dealing with media content is "child-friendly crisis communication." Under no circumstances should you play videos or unfiltered news for your child, as these are often a challenge and difficult to understand even for adults. As a support for difficult topics, you can instead use child-friendly prepared news, which is available from ZDF or KiKA, for example — here is an example of how ZDF has specially prepared the topic "War in Ukraine" for children. Depending on the age, coloring and picture books or games can also be useful to explain serious topics to children in a more carefree manner. Of course, it is generally advisable to keep an eye on your child's media consumption. But since children nowadays use computers and phones at an increasingly early age and so-called "fake news" is currently proliferating on the internet concerning the current situation in Ukraine, it is particularly important to pay close attention to which media your child consumes and which of these contents are actually verified and reputable. Also, make it clear to your child that it doesn't have to read, watch, or listen to everything around the clock, and that it's allowed and even necessary to switch off for a while.

Parallel to open conversations and accompanied media consumption, children need, especially in times of crisis, the feeling that their everyday life still largely functions normally. They need stability and the sense that "everything is okay." Therefore, try to structure the daily routine as best as possible and let things continue as usual, keep appointments, and regularly plan joint activities that are fun, such as outings or a game night. This way, you define your own living space from world events and create a safe space for you and your child that remains despite external problems. 

Becoming active together

Lastly, as an adult, you can of course also take action yourself — even together with your child. If you wish, you can attend demonstrations together, collect donations or make donations yourself, light candles, and much more. Naturally, there are also children who are less affected by world events than others. That is perfectly fine, and in such cases, one should not force feelings or information upon them. The rule here is always: Be attentive, but give your child the chance to act independently. This way, you can best assess the extent to which crisis situations have an impact and how you can respond accordingly. In any case, processing emotions is important and advisable because crises and conflicts will occur repeatedly in some form. This way, children learn to deal with events and their feelings and not to be afraid of them.

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