Mental Load: How Balanced Division of Labor in the Family Can Work

Mental Load: How Balanced Division of Labor in the Family Can Work

In addition to the obvious tasks in family life, there are many "invisible" to-dos to accomplish — a responsibility mostly taken on by mothers, which can lead to additional burdens. Learn here how to counteract this "mental load.

What is "Mental Load"?

Although typically within a family system there are two parents involved — except for single parents — in many families, one parent has more to do than the other. They think about everything that is important for the family and the children that goes beyond the "visible" tasks in everyday life: What doctor's appointments are coming up? Does the child need new shoes? What is needed at daycare? What gifts are there for the birthday? And what should we eat on the weekend? Many of these tasks remain hidden behind clearly defined everyday things and are therefore often not consciously perceived as an effort. This is precisely where danger can lurk, because constantly having to think about these things can develop over time into a significant burden, a so-called "Mental Load.

The term "Mental Load" encompasses two aspects that play a role in the "hidden" to-dos: the "Mental" — always having to think of everything — and the "Load" — the feeling of responsibility for being in charge of completing tasks and having to manage them. This mental stress, which a parent often endures over a longer period in addition to everyday activities, often leads to a constant overload that can resemble burnout symptoms: Physical pain, fatigue, exhaustion, emotional instability, and lack of motivation can be the consequences. "Mental Load" is a problem that not only affects the parent themselves, but the relationship with partner and child can also suffer, as parents often do not know how to cope with this overload.

Why are mothers especially affected?

The topic of "mental load" is not new, but it has gained importance, especially in recent years, since there is rarely a "classic" division of roles in families today. We live in a modern era where fathers and mothers are, on one hand, equal in many aspects, yet a large part of the organization and "unpaid" work still predominantly falls on mothers. But why is this the case? The distribution of tasks in the family often still follows a more traditional role model today—while the man works full-time, the woman takes care of the household and children—but the difference is that many women now want to return to work soon after the birth of the child and often do so. This overlooks the need for tasks at home to be distributed differently, and as a result, it often happens that mothers "work for two" in this sense.

Already during parental leave, the "mental load" can have its origins: mothers often take the majority of the available parental leave and are thus already much more familiar with most activities and tasks related to household and child. Fathers, on the other hand, usually take less parental leave, often parallel to the mother's parental leave, so they are rarely left on their own. This initial unequal distribution can continue after parental leave, so that mothers, even if they have long since returned to work, still feel responsible for all tasks and duties around child and household. Other reasons why mental overload occurs predominantly in mothers can be, on one hand, the role model of the parents experienced during their own upbringing, and on the other hand, possibly also one's own tendency towards perfectionism. This means that as a mother, you want everything to be perfectly organized, and then prefer to take over things yourself rather than delegate them in order to maintain control.

How can one counteract "Mental Load"?

Mothers find it difficult to shake off being overwhelmed, especially if it has built up over years. The good news is: There are some tips and a good strategy to manage the "mental load.

Step one: Making the invisible visible

Initially, you need to determine the extent of your overload in order to develop an appropriate strategy afterward. As a couple, write down all the tasks in your daily life once. Try to include particularly the less obvious tasks, such as cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, going shopping, cooking meals, making doctor's appointments, attending parent-teacher meetings, mowing the lawn, changing the bedding, going shoe shopping, etc. You will find that there are numerous "invisible" to-dos that are more or less automatically handled on the side. Areas such as the partnership, hygiene, birthdays and family celebrations, school or daycare matters also need to be noted. You can find further suggestions here.

Step two: Who does what?

If you believe that you have captured all the tasks as completely as possible, in the next step, each of you should individually note down who takes on which tasks — or at least the majority of them — and how much time you approximately spend on them per week. Then add everything up and see who has how many tasks and invested time on paper. Also check to what extent both perceptions align, because these can sometimes be very different between partners. If you notice significant discrepancies, talk to each other about some of the points where your opinions on task distribution diverge. Sometimes it already becomes clear why there is an imbalance.

Step three - Restructuring

The last and most important step to get a handle on the "mental load" is restructuring. Here, it is important to think together about how to divide the tasks better. Now try to create a new plan for the tasks you have collected. It is not always possible to split everything exactly in half, but at least for the most part. Important: Everyone takes on all phases of a task whenever possible. For example, if it's about attending your child's birthday party, purchasing the gift, informing the parents, and the drive there will also be taken care of. Perhaps the assistance of the other parent is needed for a task; in any case, it should be clear who is responsible for carrying it out.

This clarification phase takes time and can even last several months if you first need to get a sense of the time involved and don't agree on all points right away. But even if it seems tedious, try to establish a regular schedule in any case, such as once a week or every two weeks. Tasks don't always need to be redistributed anew if your plan is working well, but you should regularly take time and opportunities to reflect and discuss what's going well and where there is still a need for action. Especially with less popular tasks, you can alternate from time to time so that "the burden is shared," and no one feels disadvantaged. You don't have to strictly divide all tasks among yourselves, as sometimes it can even be more fun to shop or tidy up together. Also, set priorities: What really needs to be done and what is personally important to you? This might bring up to-do's that you can safely remove from the list or that you need to do less often than you have so far.

Many roads lead to Rome

The biggest challenge you will probably face during the change process is letting go of old habits. Be open to changes and view them as something positive. And remember: There is a reason why you want or need to change something, and there is more than one way to reach your goal.

To reduce stress, you also need to learn to delegate responsibility and possibly let go of your own perfectionism to some extent. Don't control your partner in completing their tasks and trust that everyone will do their part, as part of the mental burden also involves wanting to constantly think for others. Any issues can still be discussed at the latest during the next planning session.

At the same time, you also have the opportunity to question your own ideas: Does it always have to be the homemade cake for the birthday because you worry about what others think of you? Then try to think less about what others might think of you, because often your environment doesn't pay as much attention as you might think. Perhaps you always say yes when you're asked for something? Then try to calmly say no sometimes. It's not as hard as you might think!

Take your time

Of course, such a restructuring can lead to discussions and disputes, as often one parent suffers more than the other, but there is a reason why you ended up in this situation in the first place. In this case, you should consider whether, as a parent, you can really continue to endure the overload just to avoid conflict. The most important point here again is the right communication Talk openly with your partner, but don't blame each other; instead, just share your thoughts at first. Find out what might be causing the "mental load" and admit your own mistakes in the process.

Do not expect everything to be perfect right from the start, as you are going through a process that needs to develop and where things can occasionally go wrong. Like many things, it takes time for something to become a habit and for you to adjust to one another, but it's worth it. Keep reminding yourself why "mental load" developed in the first place for you. Creating plans and discussing everyday duties may seem boring at first glance, but it can greatly benefit the relationship and also the children in the long term, because if you are happier, more rested, and in a better mood, it definitely has a positive effect on the whole family.

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