Fighting is completely normal: Why siblings argue and how parents can help

Arguing is completely normal: Why siblings argue and how parents can help

You are silly!", "Leave me alone!", "But I want the toy now!", this is how it sounds daily when siblings quarrel. Siblings argue a lot and that's quite natural, but sometimes they argue so often that many parents wonder if it's still normal. Don't worry: Yes, it is! According to studies, siblings quarrel depending on their age even four to six times an hour. Conflicts between siblings are part of everyday family life and often have surprisingly simple reasons.

Why do children argue?

When siblings argue, it is usually about anything that might seem unfair: Who gets the favorite cup? Who has the bigger scoop of ice cream? Who gets to play with the toy longer? Who can run faster? These situations may often seem trivial to you as parents, but in childhood, siblings often become rivals. For children, it is especially important to assert themselves against each other and establish their position. Age also plays a role in this. Younger children often just want to defend or obtain possessions, while older children usually argue to gain their parents' attention. For this reason, children quickly become loud during arguments because they want to attract their parents' attention and see whose side they are on. Especially when parents separate or get divorced, children increasingly seek their attention and quickly feel neglected.

Children usually have to share everything at home with their siblings and spend – especially before starting kindergarten – a lot of time together, which is why conflicts often arise. Since siblings know each other well, they also know best how to annoy each other, so the arguments between siblings can often be very intense, both verbally and physically. Revenge, frustration, anger, and jealousy are predominantly the triggering emotions.

For many parents, these intense sibling conflicts are a major challenge because, especially when it comes to their own children, there is a strong need for harmony. The family should be back in harmony as quickly as possible, and the children should be well. In these situations, parents often feel helpless and overwhelmed, are irritable, and feel like they are caught in the middle. They do not know if and when they should intervene, whether they should let their children resolve the conflict on their own, and how much they have to "endure" at all.

What can parents do when siblings fight?

In principle, when it comes to disputes between children: As soon as a child gets hurt, you should intervene immediately and separate the children. Even if one child is constantly subjected to another and oppressed, you should definitely step in. In all other cases, you can always first ask if your children need help, for example, when there's a lot of shouting. Children can usually assess quite well for themselves when they need support. Parents must never become referees in sibling disputes and should never make comparisons between the two children. You should also not make a decision for your children or try to control the dispute with questions like "Who did it?" or "Who started it?" because otherwise, your children will not learn in the long term how to resolve conflicts themselves. For adults, it is quite normal to reconcile or talk things over after an argument, but children often do not yet know exactly how that works. They first need to learn conflict resolution and understand how to control impulses and empathize with others.

When you see your children arguing, you probably automatically have the impulse to protect the "weaker" of the two and take their side, but this can lead to even more conflict because you inevitably give more attention to one of the children. This is precisely what should be avoided. You should primarily act as a mediator and facilitator for your children. Avoid phrases like "You are the older one, you need to be sensible" or "At your age, you should know better," and do not attempt to find someone to blame, but instead, speak openly with your children about the conflict. Show understanding for the feelings of both children and remain neutral and calm when talking to them, because loud scolding can further exacerbate the already tense situation.

All a matter of practice

Sibling conflicts can best be resolved when parents listen at eye level. Each child should be allowed to express how they feel and perceive the situation without judgment and without pointing fingers. Let both children finish speaking thoroughly. They can cry, scream, and roll on the floor because the pressure built up by the argument must be released first; only then will you truly have your children's attention. Then show them what the other is thinking, as this helps them learn to empathize with each other. You might say, for example, “You're angry because you believe your brother isn't letting you join in?” Afterward, focus on finding a solution. Older children can generally be left to come up with a solution themselves by asking: “How can we proceed now? What ideas do you have?” You'll be surprised at how creative children can be when it comes to solving a problem. However, with younger children, you should actively offer a solution, which you can illustrate very well through play, using dolls, picture books, or stuffed animals to defuse the argument.

Communication is extremely important when it comes to conflicts, but your own mindset also contributes to how well you can handle disputes at home. Always keep in mind: Sibling conflicts are completely normal, they are part of everyday life, and they are allowed to happen—and it's okay if they exhaust you! Try to remain as calm as possible in conflict situations and take deep breaths repeatedly. If necessary, you can withdraw for a few minutes to calm down and have a drink of water. With every argument, your children learn, and your composure will improve with every conflict situation, because as the saying goes: Practice makes perfect. Last but not least, children pick up many behavioral patterns from their parents—you are their role model, after all—which is why your own conflict behavior and your reaction as parents also play a big role.

Arguing can strengthen

Sibling conflicts are important for children to learn the art of arguing, to articulate their standpoint, and then to make up again. When children learn how to resolve conflicts properly, it can even be an opportunity for siblings to grow as a team and build a stronger bond. Over time, rivalry diminishes, and the connection between siblings is strengthened. Learning how to resolve conflicts with a positive outcome is crucial for their entire later life because children will repeatedly encounter disputes in their lives, whether with friends, partners, or coworkers.

by Esther Marake

FamPLUS - Competent in Everyday Family Life.