Nonviolent Communication: A Language that Connects

Nonviolent Communication: A Language That Connects

In the 1960s, the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg developed Nonviolent Communication, or NVC for short, a new communication concept in response to the American civil rights movement of the time. He realized that in certain situations, cultures, and religions, various strategies for conflict resolution were repeatedly relied upon, which made a common solution almost impossible. As early as the 1940s, Rosenberg, as a boy with Jewish roots, often experienced exclusion and observed this among people of different skin colors in the USA. With the civil rights movement in the USA, massive protest actions started just a few years later to combat the form of racial segregation and discrimination against African Americans prevalent at the time. These experiences impacted Rosenberg so profoundly that, as a psychologist, he focused on finding an overarching, nonviolent solution and thus a "common language" for conflict situations.

Rosenberg was inspired by his teacher Carl Rogers and Gandhi's theories of nonviolence. With Nonviolent Communication, he created a completely new approach to handling conflicts in his time. For several decades, he offered seminars on Nonviolent Communication around the world and founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication in 1984, which continues to operate even after his death. Nonviolent Communication is still used in many areas of family and psychotherapy, as well as in schools, counseling centers, businesses, and even in crisis communication.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Rosenberg believed that in many conflict situations, the central issue was which strategy would be the best for resolution, which would automatically involve assigning blame. Moreover, in conflict situations, we would often use avoidance strategies such as ignoring or sitting it out, essentially finding ways to dodge the situation out of fear of hurting the other person. Rosenberg therefore wanted to find a "method to improve interpersonal relationships" and assumed that humans see the fulfillment of their needs as their highest goal. Nonviolent Communication addresses this very point: What need do I actually want to fulfill with my chosen strategy in a conflict? Rosenberg aimed to use Nonviolent Communication to dissolve old patterns like defense, withdrawal, or attack, reduce resistance and violent reactions, and instead strengthen competencies such as appreciation, attentiveness, and empathy to find nonviolent conflict resolution.

If we don't take our needs seriously, others won't either.

Rosenberg believed that most interpersonal conflicts either quickly escalate or cannot be resolved nonviolently because the needs of those involved are communicated improperly. Above all, judgmental and condemning language are often triggers for escalation during disputes. Nonviolent communication should enable people to communicate in a solution-oriented way in every situation, leading to more trust, clarity, and joy in conversations. Appreciation and empathy play a major role in being able to put oneself in the other person's position and remain respectful.

How can Nonviolent Communication succeed?

Most people have learned to think in a perpetrator-victim pattern. There is always a "guilty" and an "innocent" one. It is precisely these thought patterns that cause the other party in a conflict situation to either withdraw because they feel attacked or to "attack" themselves, thus blocking any further communication. These communication barriers — which include lecturing, insulting, commanding, warning, preaching, threatening, distracting, shaming, and judging — should be avoided. But how can you concretely implement this during a dispute? For this, Marshall Rosenberg has established four steps as a guide:

1. Observation

Before you do or say anything, you should first perceive and observe. Try to describe the current situation without any interpretation, accusations, or blame to understand the origin of the statements in a conversation: What do I see or hear? What do I perceive?

Example 1

Statement: "What a pigsty. Please clean up your room, you can't even walk through it anymore." Observation: "The floor in this room is full of toys.

Example 2

Statement: "You are ignoring me again." Observation: "When I came home today, you didn't greet me and went straight to your room. It was the same for the last three days.

2. Feeling

Now identify the linked emotions behind your observation and name them as specifically as possible, for example, "I am sad" or "Your statement hurt me." In doing so, try to shift the focus away from the other person and only look at yourself. Imagine a kind of spotlight or the beam of a flashlight that is directed only at you and illuminates your emotions.

Example 1

Statement: "What a mess. Please clean up your room, you can't even walk through it anymore.

Observation: "The floor in this room is full of toys.

Feeling: "I feel uncomfortable when the floor is full of stuff and you can't see where you're stepping. You could injure yourself.

Example 2

Statement: "You're ignoring me again.

Observation: "When I came home today, you didn't greet me and went straight to your room. It was the same for the last three days.

Feeling: "I am disappointed and a little hurt.

3. Need

From this feeling, you now derive the underlying need. Think carefully and listen to yourself to understand what you truly want to express — or what the other person wants to convey.

Example 1

Statement: "What a mess. Please clean up your room, you can't even walk through it anymore.

Observation: "The floor in this room is full of toys.

Feeling: "I feel uncomfortable when the floor is full of stuff and you can't see where you're stepping. You could injure yourself.

Need: "It is important to me that at least the floor is cleared, so that there is nothing lying around that you could step on and hurt yourself.

Example 2

Statement: "You're ignoring me again.

Observation: "When I came home today, you didn't greet me and went straight to your room. It was the same for the last three days.

Feeling: "I am disappointed and a little hurt.

Need: "I value exchanging ideas with you.

4. Request/Action

If you are clear about the need, you can communicate quite differently with your counterpart, because now you know what the core of your conversation is. For example, you can formulate a clear request instead of making an accusation, such as, "Could you please try to be on time next time?" instead of "You are always late!" You can also already develop concrete action steps or strategies for resolution — and these can also be directed at yourself. Consider: What do I want or can I do to improve the situation? You have numerous options for action. For example, you can make a request, share your thoughts, simply listen, suggest a solution, decide something, empathize, or also decide to do nothing.

Example 1

Statement: "What a mess. Please clean up your room, you can't even walk through it anymore.

Observation: "The floor in this room is full of toys.

Feeling: "I feel uncomfortable when the floor is full of stuff and you can't see where you're stepping. You could injure yourself.

Need: "It is important to me that at least the floor is cleared, so that there is nothing lying around that you could step on and hurt yourself.

Possible action: make a request, for example by saying: "I would like to ask you to put your toys from the floor into the box, so it’s easier for us to see where we are stepping.

Example 2

Statement: "You're ignoring me again.

Observation: "When I came home today, you didn't greet me and went straight to your room. It was the same for the last three days.

Feeling: "I am disappointed and a little hurt.

Need: "I value exchanging ideas with you.

Possible action: Listen; for example, by asking: "How do you experience the moment when I come home?

Rosenberg's Formula for Nonviolent Communication:

When I see a (observation), I feel b (feeling), because I need c (need). Therefore, I would now like d (request).

These four steps cause you to take a step back internally in a conflict situation and become aware of what you and the other person really want and what needs both sides have, without the situation escalating. In the long term, this develops a completely new quality of awareness and a sense of appreciation. You learn to perceive situations and feelings more neutrally over time, to communicate without prejudice and on equal footing, to express yourself better outwardly, and to listen differently.

How can I apply Nonviolent Communication in everyday life?

As can already be seen from the two examples above, Nonviolent Communication can generally be applied in any conflict situation, whether in a family setting, at school, or in the workplace, with children, adolescents, or adults. For example, it can help you as a parent to resolve conflicts with your partner and especially with your children more easily in your everyday family life and to better understand what they need and want in certain situations. At the same time, you can set an example for your children on how to resolve conflicts nonviolently. This way, they can learn to communicate properly with peers or teachers at school and express their needs more openly.

At GfK, as with everything: Practice makes perfect. You don’t have to master everything by the book right away, because mastering Nonviolent Communication takes some time and also a little courage. At the beginning, the four steps can especially serve as support in conflict situations as a "reminder" to become aware of the actual need in such situations and not to be overwhelmed by emotions and accusations. In the next conflict situation, take a moment to breathe deeply and try to go through the four steps in your head — or if you like, even on paper — and communicate your needs and thoughts openly and objectively.

60-minute webinar on Nonviolent Communication

Would you like to delve deeper into the topic and learn how to apply nonviolent communication in the family? famPLUS offers a cross-company webinar on "Understanding and Being Understood — Nonviolent Communication in Families." In this, you will learn to communicate constructively with your children, recognize needs, and express them correctly. Feel free to talk to your employer about your interest in participating in our webinar.

by Esther Marake (last updated on 11/29/22)

Sources

Nonviolent Communication – Nonviolent Communication . (n.d.). Retrieved on October 21, 2022

Nonviolent communication can motivate children . (n.d.). Retrieved online on November 9, 2022

The 4 Steps of Nonviolent Communication (GfK). (April 11, 2022). Retrieved online on November 9, 2022

Nonviolent Communication: Child-Friendly Approach to Giraffe Language . (n.d.). Retrieved online on November 9, 2022

Lorenz, Susanne: Nonviolent communication - this is what it really means . (12 September 2022). Retrieved online on 9 November 2022

Doyle, C. (October 8, 2021). Nonviolent Communication: Finding the Right Words in a Conflict .geo.de. Retrieved on October 21, 2022

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