Why does my child want EVERYTHING?

Why does my child want EVERYTHING?

Mama, look, this little keychain, a cable car, I really want to have it. Will you buy it for me?" My son looks at me with big eyes.

I just came from the restroom of a cable car station in the Allgäu, where we want to start our tour to the Stone Age village. My son (I will call him Michel here for his protection), who looks at me with such big, in my opinion, longing eyes, turned 9 years old 5 days ago, received some gifts and also money. He had already spent this money in a toy store and at the mid-station of a cable car on a snow groomer and an ADAC helicopter.

All of this, and also that we (Christian, Michel, and I, on our vacation in the Allgäu) now want to start walking, goes through my mind. Honestly, I am slightly annoyed (probably an understatement) by this constant "I want to have that.

My goodness!

In addition, we are here by bus, which returns at a specific time, so we need to manage to fetch the horses from the pasture – a major concern for Michel.

So I apply what often helps me: I remain silent for a moment, take a deep breath, feel myself, and notice: I need space now.

For that, I want to gain time and suggest: “Hey, I hear you really want this cable car. Let's see what it costs?” (10 Euros!) “At the same time, you want to bring the horses from the pasture later. What do you think if we start walking now and talk about it later? I'd like to talk about it with you calmly – what do you think?”

Hallelujah, he's agreed, and we're off. We pass by a stream (Michel plays briefly with the stones there), flowers line our path, we walk through the forest, meet people with a dog, Luna. Michel throws sticks for Luna. 

I take pleasure in watching. I am full of joy as I see him interacting with people, handling animals (in my assessment, he is considerate and mindful). What a development – it brings me relaxation.

Mom, will you buy me the cable car later?

My quiet hope that he had forgotten burst like a colorful, initially very glittering soap bubble. At the same time, after the joy and relaxation, now well-nourished along the way, I am curious to find out what it is about for him.

You really want to have this keychain, don't you?" (of course he does).

You like it so much, don't you?" (yeah, obviously).

If you had the trailer, what would you like to do with it?

Michel: "Oh, I would put that on my house key.

Ah really? How many followers do you have there already?

„4“.

hm do you want to hear my thoughts on that?" 

Yes

That's really a lot of keychains, there are even small stuffed animals among them. I'm thinking that the key with all those keychains might not fit into the pocket of the school backpack anymore. What do you think?

He: "Hmm, yes, I could alternate the pendants; two one day, then two different ones the next day. That will definitely fit in the backpack.

Exciting, because now I'm getting ideas about his need and I guess: "Ah yes, that would of course be possible. Are you concerned about variety?" "Yessss" "...and also about change?

Yes

Ok, variety and diversity are needs that are important to me as well.

I say something like "Ah, now I think I understand what it's also about for you.

I'm taking a break, not just to catch my breath while hiking. I feel pressure in my chest. What is this? Ah yes, of course, although I have heard him now, I haven't heard myself yet. And: I really want Michel to know what I'm thinking. I don't just want to say "no" (I find that so difficult anyway).

Hm, I've now heard what it's about for you, and since I really feel resistance within me, I'd like to see what it's about for me... hm." Since he remains silent and listens, I continue speaking. "I'm just pondering what that consists of. Do you know?

Plastic

...hm and I think, like, a metal, right?

Yes

Ah, and I just realize that there's really a lot of packaging for such a small item: there's colorful cardboard, and then it's wrapped in plastic again, all of which ends up in the trash. Phew, I notice that I really feel pain about that" (when we were hiking, we kept collecting garbage and carried it down to the valley because the environment and nature are very important to us). "…and that's why I don't really want to support that, I don't like that so many things have to be produced. How do you feel about it?

Hm, yes, but it doesn't help at all. If we don't buy it, then other people will.

Yes, it might be that other people buy that. Now imagine, if everyone thought more about it and didn’t buy it. The sellers would realize that the products are not being bought, they wouldn’t reorder them, and they wouldn’t have to be produced anymore. That would make a big difference, wouldn’t it?

Yes, if everyone thought that way, then indeed...

We arrive at a viewpoint, enjoy the view of the mountains, the beautiful nature. As we continue walking, I ask again how he is doing and if he would like to talk further.

No, I don't want the cable car anymore, nature is important to me, I want to contribute.

Wow. How did that happen? Crazy.

When we are truly heard with our feelings and needs, we change." Marshall B. Rosenberg 

He was heard and understood – then he was ready to listen to me, to consider other needs. And for this time to decide: I actually don't want to.

This morning it was about hiking poles - with little time, as Michel was then picked up by his dad. I brought up the environmental aspect again, and hey, he still currently wants these hiking poles (even though he could borrow mine).

When he was gone, I thought about what was different this time, why it "didn't work." I realized that this time I didn't listen to him in his feelings and needs, but reacted immediately. And I already know that I would like to discuss the subject with him again. I want to approach him empathetically (with the trekking poles, I can imagine that it's about trust, being taken seriously, being able to rely on each other).

And however it turns out (maybe I'll get him children's hiking poles, maybe he won't want them anymore) – my experience is:

This creates touching moments, connection is fulfilled, trust, closeness, getting to know each other more and more.

I am already looking forward to the conversation with him, and to many more.

Mama, I want that. Will you buy it for me?

From Heidi Hinrichsen Couple Coaching with Mindful Communication

Academy of Mindful Communication

famPLUS - Competent in everyday family life.