Facing Grief - Farewells are a part of life.

Encountering Grief - Farewells are a part of life. 

Petra Sutor is a grief counselor, trauma advisor, coach, author, and trainer—and now just as successful in her self-employed work as in her full-time crisis and grief counseling directly within the company. While others go to yoga classes or choir rehearsals, she much prefers writing her own books and describes the work as her passion. She successfully published one in 2020 under the title "Grief in the Workplace" with Patmos Verlag. An accompanying book for parents of star children will be published by the same publisher next year. Recently, Ms. Sutor has also become a cooperative partner in our life and social counseling team at FamPLUS, which is a delightful development.

In conversation with Petra Sutor, I talked with her about the role that mourning occupies and is allowed to occupy in our society, why an open approach to grief is much more wholesome than grieving behind closed doors, and why there should also be a culture of mourning in the workplace in order to remain productive in the long term.

Ms. Sutor, how nice that we found time for our conversation today.

Yes, I agree. At the moment, I am spending a lot of time working on my current book and preparing my training for grief counselors next year.

You are already the author of the book titled "Grief in the Workplace." How do you view the importance of grief in the midst of a performance-oriented society - is grief even allowed to occur in the workplace?

First of all: We remain the same person at work as we are in our private lives. Therefore, when it comes to mourning, the boundaries between private life and the work environment are fluid. And sometimes colleagues also pass away at the workplace, and accidents occur during working hours. By then, we are significantly confronted with it.

When employees are grieving, whether due to a personal bereavement or the death of close colleagues, they often cannot perform at the same level as before. It takes an immense amount of energy to get through a workday and perhaps not show their grief. The discrepancy between the expected performance and the existing exhaustion is difficult to compensate for in the long run. And grief does not just disappear after a few days. However, the legal framework initially provides limited leeway. In the case of a bereavement involving immediate family, one is granted one to three days of special leave. This is insufficient for organizational reasons alone since the funeral usually occurs one to two weeks later. This leads to employees taking personal leave or visiting the doctor to be signed off as unfit for work. I deliberately use the term "unfit for work" because mourners are not ill. They are simply not currently able to work.

Often, however, it is also the case that grieving employees return to the workplace very quickly, even though it is actually still much too early. They then go well beyond their limits - perseverance is the motto and not letting anything show. After three to four months, I usually receive a call. This is usually the time when the funeral is over, the house has been cleared, all the paperwork is finished, and grief finally takes its place. Then my real work in the company begins, to accompany the grieving process as best as possible.

Nevertheless, I also advocate that it can be good to return to work soon or to make use of reintegration measures. As is always the case with grief, it is very individual to consider what is good for each person. For some, who may have lost a child or a spouse, the workplace also offers a break from the grief, which is very palpable at home. At the workplace, they can take a step back; the distraction can help them take a breath and give the grieving process a pause. Therefore, it is so important that supervisors ask grieving individuals what they need. Whether the time off is useful, or flexible working time models, or as much normality as possible.

Have you experienced cases where a bereavement is completely concealed so as not to be perceived as incapable of performing?

Yes, I have. And especially due to COVID-19 and remote work, it has become harder to recognize grief. You can usually see this grief in someone who cries all night and barely sleeps. However, if there is no longer any contact in the workplace, this can go unnoticed, especially if the camera stays off during video conferences. Fundamentally, everyone is also free not to communicate personal bereavement. However, this prevents the employer from being able to respond supportively.

Could it not be, for this very reason, an incentive for employers to establish an open culture of mourning in the company from the outset, which creates a framework for the coexistence of grief and performance?

Yes, definitely. Points of contact in the event of grief are a really good measure for providing support from the very beginning - both for the bereaved and for the team or supervisors. And the support can already begin when employees are burdened with dying relatives. Companies don’t necessarily have to establish a position for crisis and grief counseling, as in my case. But there should be a point of contact that can quickly arrange professional help, mediate between supervisors and those affected, and suggest conditions that are workable for everyone involved. For example, the HR department could have a list of grief counselors who can provide immediate support, but also offer advice if support is needed for entire teams, which can even include farewell ceremonies after the death of colleagues. Most companies already have many good conditions in place that simply need to be put into action. The foundation for good support of grieving employees is always communication with one another, because grief is simply extremely individual.

Are there specific "first aid methods"?

This is also extremely individual. What often helps are fixed mourning times during the day. An appointment with one's grief and with the deceased, because if employees did not have the opportunity to grieve throughout the day, it either catches up with them suddenly and uncontrollably, or the grief and carousel of thoughts take up the space they simply need at night. Suppressing grief costs a lot of energy, and it rarely stays repressed in the long run.

What often helps and always brings a smile are small rituals in everyday life. A client of mine talks to his best deceased friend every morning for a few minutes. He does this whenever he presses the button on the coffee machine. He continues until the coffee has run through, and longer if he needs and wants to. Another client, on the other hand, goes for a walk in the park with her deceased husband during her lunch break and talks to him. Others light a candle every evening. Essentially, it doesn't matter how the ritual is conducted. The important thing is to give grief a dedicated place each day and not to suppress it forcibly. Over time, these small appointments usually become less frequent or change. However, what almost everyone reports is that they can sleep better again and the uncontrolled, overwhelming moments decrease significantly.

What these methods have in common is the external expression of grief - something we generally do not want and often try to hide. Just like showing tears.

I consider the open approach to situations of mourning to be enriching, even if it first takes time to approach the subject. A few weeks ago, our team at the company organized a "celebration of life" for a deceased colleague instead of a mourning ceremony. These celebrations are extremely important and valuable. There were many stories shared about the deceased, there was laughter and tears. We were able to discuss how he lives on in everything they do—because they learned so much from him, because he set examples with his great attitude towards people, because he was so positive and visionary. It was so wonderful and inspiring for everyone. This goodness he leaves behind remains—not just the grief over his loss. We may always set something alongside the grief. It can be both: laughter and tears, appreciation and missing. Many will take up his legacy and carry it forward.

If employers promote and support open handling of such situations, it significantly contributes to a better corporate culture. People come together in crisis situations when they are well supported. We closely observe how our colleagues are treated. The question always lingers, "What if this happens to me too?" If I experience appreciation and good treatment in the hardest times of my life, my loyalty to the employer usually increases significantly.

Apparently, there seems to be increasing awareness and demand for the topic. For you are planning an academy offering for life and grief support.

Exactly. Starting next year, I will be offering the Advanced Basic Qualification in Grief Counseling according to the quality standards of the Federal Association for Grief Counseling (BVT) here in Hochtaunus. Further seminars, including those on grief in the workplace, are already taking place in companies and should also be established for interested company representatives. In doing so, I particularly have HR managers, executives, works councils, or those responsible for occupational health management in mind. Establishing a good culture or processes for dealing with grief is not rocket science; any company can implement it.

Why do many people first go to a psychologist and not directly to grief counseling?

There are various reasons for this. General practitioners are more likely to write a referral to a psychologist. The sessions there are paid for by health insurance companies. Grief counseling must be self-paid - unfortunately, this is not covered by insurance benefits to this day, although it is urgently needed. There are numerous offers: from individual grief counseling to grief groups and grief trips. Some offers are free or low-cost because organizations or associations can compensate the costs through donations. However, I also frequently encounter people who never even heard that something like grief counseling exists.

Wow, what a deficit in the healthcare system.

It would be very nice if more emphasis were placed on the importance of grief counseling. Preferably preventively, as well. Not every grieving person needs grief counseling, but when it is necessary, professional support can significantly ease the grieving process and create new perspectives.

You now also practice a lot of grief counseling online. Are there actually any other changes and consequences that can be observed due to Corona?

From the first Corona lockdown, I was much more confronted with people's distress due to the lack of farewells. The often absent farewell means that people frequently cannot comprehend that a loved one has passed away and will not return. We had situations where people said goodbye to their sick relatives at the hospital door and weeks later stood before the closed coffin or urn. In between, all the important steps needed for realization and later processing were missing. Even the funerals were often extremely lonely. The number of attendees at the funerals was extremely reduced, hugs were absent, and the coffee gathering after the funeral did not take place because groups of people weren't allowed. Yet, we know how healing the social environment and closeness are for those in mourning.

In the last few days, particularly important moments often occur between the dying and their relatives or companions. Funeral directors and companions have since been extremely challenged to develop alternative ideas to make farewells as meaningful as possible. Many good things have emerged from this, which should also be appreciated. And certainly, there is a greater acceptance that good accompaniment can also take place online. Nevertheless, I very much hope that we all return to a normalcy that allows farewells in a way that does justice to everyone involved - the dying and their relatives.

Would you recommend that employees who miss having a bereavement support offering in their company approach the next point of contact to make a change?

Companies should generally have a point of contact for crisis situations and know how to best handle those in mourning in such circumstances. And I often observe that change is not always directly offered by the top hierarchy level, but employees specifically ask for it, and HR departments gradually establish these offerings. And if the company structure cannot provide an advisory point of contact, then at least there should be a list available where one can seek professional support.

Such a list should be in the drawer – and definitely your book "Grief in the Workplace," right?

Yes, anyone who has my book may no longer need a seminar. It's written in such a way that anyone can truly understand it, and it is aimed at executives, HR managers, and just as much at every regular employee. It is suitable for everyone and is generally helpful when it comes to grief and dealing with people who are grieving. In fact, not just specifically in the workplace, as readers have now reported back to me.

In this sense: It was a very enlightening conversation and a pleasure to listen to you. Especially because you bring such a refreshing ease to the topic.

Absolutely. The topic is challenging enough. That's why it can also be easy.

Thank you for your time and your important work, Ms. Sutor.   At this point, we would like to mention that you enrich our life and social counseling team at FamPLUS as a cooperation partner. We are very pleased.

Do you, as a reader, have a bereavement in your family or among friends and wish for a personal conversation? 

Feel free to contact us by phone or email at any time. We are happy to assist you.

Your FamPLUS team

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